Carson's Not So Excellent Adventure
by mermaid2bseeker
Summary: What happens when Dr. Carson Beckett tries to use Ancient's technology again.
1. Ancient's Food Processor

Ancient's Food Processor  
by mermaid2bseeker

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A Stargate Atlantis fan-fic  
Disclaimer: I do not own anything of the Atlantis universe.  
Summary: What happens when Dr. Carson Beckett tries to use Ancient technology again.  
Season: 1  
Spoilers: None(?)

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A/N1:  
I apologize if I get the characters behaviors and mannerisms wrong.

* * *

"Oh come on Dr. Beckett," Dr. Rodney McKay said as he and Major John Sheppard pushed the reluctant doctor into the jumper bay.  
  
"Have you forgotten what happened the last time I tried to use Ancient's technology?" Carson asked as he was forced into a nearby puddle jumper.  
  
"Don't worry, this jumper's been temporarily converted into a simulator," John repeated for the umpteenth time that day. "Besides, what's the worst that could happen?"  
  
"Don't make me think about what could happen. I might just make it happen." As he was seated in the pilot's chair, Carson added, "Remind me again, why do I have to do this?"  
  
"Because Dr. Weir wants everyone with the ATA gene to learn how to pilot a jumper," Rodney answered.  
  
"Just relax," John said as he sat in the co-pilot's chair.  
  
"Simulation settings activated." Rodney sat in one of the passenger seats, a laptop open in front of him.  
  
"Right," John began, "first thing you want to do is actiivate the jumper's power source."  
  
Carson closed his eyes and thought about turning the ignition switch of a car. After a few moments, "I guess it didn't work, I'll just go now."  
  
"You didn't even try," John said.  
  
"I did. It just didn't work."  
  
"If you could concentrate enough to deactivate that drone back on Earth, I'm sure you can concentrate enough to activate a little-bitty-won't-hurt-anyone powersource."  
  
With a slight frown, Carson closed his eyes again and concentrated on turning on the 'little-bitty-won't-hurt-anyone' powersource.  
  
After a few moments of watching Carson think John turned to Rodney and mouthed the words 'anything yet?' Rodney looked to his laptop and shook his head in a silent 'no.'  
  
Carson was first to break the newly-formed silence. Keeping his eyes closed, he asked, "If nothing can go wrong, why are two of you here?"  
  
"Because…" Rodney began to answer, but stopped when he couldn't think of a good fib.  
  
"Because Dr. Weir wanted it that way." John completed the lie.  
  
Carson didn't believe him for a second, but kept that fact to himself. Without warning a strange noise occurred; a cross between a kazoo and a car horn. He opened his eyes and with a half-scared half-pained expression he asked, "What did I do?"  
  
"Relax, the noise was the indicator we decided to use," Rodney explained as he pushed some buttons on his laptop. "Congratulations," he added. "You turned the jumper on."  
  
Carson relaxed a little. "Oh, good."  
  
"See, that wasn't so hard, was it?" John asked. "Now you need to activate the manuevering engines."  
  
"Those are the ones used for short distances, right?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Ah." Once again Carson closed his eyes and imagined he was in a car.  
  
It took a little longer than before, but, eventually the kazoo/horn sounded again.  
  
"Those were the drive pods," Rodney said as he checked the laptop. "But you were close. Try again."  
  
For the fourth time Carson closed his eyes and focused on turning on the correct engines. Since he hadn't had any lunch that day, his stomach began to growl. He tried to ignore it, so he could continue thinking about the engines.  
  
The ship, on the other hand, didn't ignore his stomach noises. A strange mechanical whrirring began emmanating from one of the side panels. It was followed by a series of three short 'dings'.  
  
Carson snapped his eyes open. "I didn't do it!" he said quickly.  
  
John, ignoring him, turned to Rodney. "McKay?" he asked slowly, almost accusingly.  
  
"Hey, it wasn't me," Rodney said defensively as he typed on the laptop.  
  
"Then what was it?" There was a tiny hint of annoyance in John's voice.  
  
"I think Dr. Beckett might have accidentally activated something we didn't convert."  
  
"Oh no." Carson groaned slightly, "Not again."  
  
"Do you know what it is?" John asked.  
  
"No." Rodney turned to Carson. "Carson, what were you thinking of just now?"  
  
"I was trying to ignore my 'manly-hunger'."  
  
John tried unsuccessfully to mask his laugh as a cough.  
  
Rodney gave both of them a scowl. "Ha ha. Very funny," he said dryly.  
  
Dawning on John what Carson had accidentally activated, he said, "you didn't," with disbelief and mock anger.  
  
"Didn't what?" Both Rodney and Carson spoke at the same time.  
  
John reached across to the pilot's left wall panel. He lifted a barely noticable sliding door, reached in, and pulled out the object currently in the compartment. It was a turkey sandwich on a plate.

* * *

A/N2:  
Well, there you go. I know it probably doesn't make a lot of sense. Although I am pretty sure it's better than my first Atlantis fic. Please review. 


	2. Not Another Drone

"Carson's Not So Excellent Adventure"  
by mermaid2bseeker

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Chapter 2: "Not Another Drone"

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Disclaimers: I don't own anything of the Atlantis 'universe.' Although I wish I did.

* * *

A/N:  
Here it is the second and last chapter of Carson's Not So Excellent Adventure. Oh and kudos to anyone who can spot the line from Sg-1's episode "Children of the Gods" pt.1, that I snuck into the story.

* * *

A small ship entered the atmosphere of Atlantis. As the ship got closer it became clear that it was damaged. One of the engines had long billows of smoke trailing from it, and it looked as if it were going to crash into ground. At the last moment the pilot regained control and made for a bumpy landing.  
  
"I don't care what Dr. Weir said. You are not going to be able to pilot one of these things by the end of the week," Major John Sheppard said to Dr. Carson Beckett as he fought to regain control of the jumper.  
  
"I tried to tell you, didn't I? Carson replied once they had landed.  
  
John turned to him. "I just want to know how. How did you manage to get one of our OWN drones to ATTACK US!" he said exasperatedly.  
  
"I don't know."  
  
"Well, we won't be getting anywhere with this jumper." Dr. Rodney McKay read something on his lap-top screen.  
  
John looked at Rodney. "Why?"  
  
"The drive pod system is completely toast."  
  
Again, the mechanical whirring and three beeps occured. John threw an exasperated look to Rodney. "McKay."  
  
Rodney looked as though in thought for a moment. "Oh, oops. Sorry."  
  
John rolled his eyes. "I'll radio Atlantis for a pick-up." He gave Carson a half-disappointed, half-annoyed look. "Again."  
  
_[back in Atlantis Base]  
_  
Dr. Elizabeth Weir walked into the jumper bay. She was expecting Lieutenant Aiden Ford, who was piloting a second jumper, to return with the first jumper in-tow.  
  
Right on cue, the 'sunroof' opened and a jumper lowered onto the landing platform. It was being helped in by another jumper which followed it down and settled on top of a 'jumper-shelf.'  
  
The door of the first jumper opened and all the occupants exited it. Rodney, with laptop in hand, walked around to the damaged side, flipped open the laptop and began pressing various buttons.  
  
"What happened out there?" Elizabeth asked John. "Were you attacked?"  
  
John paused. When asking for a pick-up he forgot to mention the fact that it was Carson's fault. "One of our drones attacked us."  
  
"Was it a systems malfunction?"  
  
"No. It was a pilot malfunction."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Beckett was piloting." John said a little matter-of-factly.  
  
"Ah." She looked to the bashful doctor, who was currently hovering over Rodney's shoulder, trying to find out what exactly he had done.  
  
"How bad is it?" Carson asked Rodney.  
  
"Well, this drive pod is completely useless. It's either going to have to be replaced or completely rebuilt from scratch."  
  
John walked over to them. "Hey Doc. don't listen to Mr. Glass-Is-Half-Empty over here." He told Carson. "A little duct tape, it'll be good as new. Don't worry, it wasn't your fault and no-one got hurt."  
  
Carson nodded. "Right." Then he headed off to work on his projects in the infirmary.  
  
Rodney stared at John incredulously.  
  
"Hey, do you want him to feel any worse than he already does?"  
  
"Mr. Glass-Is-Half-Empty?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"I'll have you know that I am a very optimistic person." Rodney said offendedly.  
  
John unsuccessfully masked his laugh as a cough.  
  
"What? I am."  
  
John, shaking his head, walked away.  
  
"I am!"  
  
Elizabeth approached Rodney. "What was that all about?"  
  
"Oh, nothing." Rodney turned back to his laptop.  
  
"How long will this take to repair?"  
  
"I say at least two weeks. With our best people on it."  
  
"Then you'd better get started."  
  
The End.  
  
A/N2:  
Well there you go. I know it probably didn't make a lot of sense. But hey, this is supposed to be humorous. Please review. 


	3. The Most Screwed Up Adventure That Ever ...

Carson's Not So Excellent Adventure  
by mermaid2bseeker

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Disclaimer: Everything that I use in this fic (which I am not going to mention, because then it would ruin the surprise), is the property of its respective owners.  
Season: 1 Duh! )o( [ Screaming 'Home Alone' emoticon]  
Spoilers: Uhhhhhhhhh I don't know. Don't make me think, it makes my brain hurt.  
Summary: It's a surprise so don't ask.  
Category: Parody/Humor/Suspense/anything else)

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A/N1:  
In my last two chapters, the characters acted like themselves. In this chapter I don't know.  
A/N2:  
I hope I got the medical descriptions correct.

* * *

Chapter 3: The Most Screwed Up Adventure That Ever Existed –or-"S'mores, anyone?"  
  
_"Bring Carson with you when you go…"  
  
In a way, those fateful words, spoken by Dr. Elizabeth Weir, starts our little adventure. _  
  
Major John Sheppard and Dr. Rodney McKay (for those of you keeping track at home, Dr. Beckett is the only medical doctor mentioned so far in the episodes of Atlantis.) walked casually to the infirmary.  
  
Entering the room, they could see that the gentle doctor had his back to them, seemingly engrossed in his work.  
  
Sensing their presence, Carson, with his back still to them, spoke. "No."  
  
"You don't even know what we're here for," John said. "Who knows? McKay could be dying."  
  
"Then why isn't he complaining about it?" Carson asked.  
  
"Ow?" Rodney said hopefully.  
  
"Funny." Carson turned to look at them. "But if you were really hurt you'd be complaining so loudly all of Atlantis would hear."  
  
John gave a tiny laugh.  
  
Rodney looked at him with a scowl.  
  
"What?" John said defensively. "It's true."  
  
"It's still 'no'." Carson declared.  
  
"What are you talking about?" John asked, knowing full well what Carson was talking about.  
  
"You want me to join you on a trip through the Stargate. Either that, or, you want me to go in a puddle jumper again. Neither of which is an official mission, because then Dr. Weir would have warned me."  
  
"Ding. Ding. Ding. We have a double winner," Rodney said with a hint of sarcasm.  
  
"Double winner?" Carson said with a slight trepidation.  
  
"There's this planet, which Elizabeth said to take you to, because it has something that 'concerns you greatly.'" Rodney explained.  
  
"So why would I have to go into a jumper?"  
  
"The gate's in orbit," John answered. "Unless you want to hold your breath. It's a long way down."  
  
Carson threw his hands up in defeat. "Someone please tell me why they bothered to put gates in orbit."  
  
John and Rodney just shrugged.  
  
A Stargate, in orbit around T83-951 slowly came to life. The blue event-horizon extended from the ring and snapped into place. From the wormhole, emerged a silverish puddle jumper. (I just love those words, puddle jumper, don't you?)  
  
"Would you relax?" Rodney asked Carson. "You're making me nervous."  
  
"Oh, yeah. Like that really takes a lot to do," Carson retorted. He sat in the back across from Rodney, along with Teyla. The last time he had been in space on a jumper he'd nearly blown it up. The landing hadn't been fun either, without any engines working. He was in no hurry to experience that again.  
  
"Do I have to turn this puddle jumper around?" John called to them from the pilot's seat. "Or are you two going to behave yourselves?"  
  
Lt. Aiden Ford, who was sitting in the co-pilot's seat, gave a little laugh.  
  
"What was that?" Rodney asked incredulously.  
  
John shrugged. "I don't know. I just wanted to say it."  
  
Rodney rolled his eyes.  
  
Slowly the jumper descended into the planet's atmosphere. It gracefully glided [alter ego: 'Wait. What! How the &%$# can the p. jumpers glide?!? They have no wings!'…and now back to your regularly scheduled program.] It gracefully glided through the morning sky, and landed perfectly on the ground.  
  
"See, nothing to freak-out about," John told Carson as he opened the jumper's back hatch.  
  
"The day is young."  
  
Rodney rolled his eyes.  
  
John led them into a nearby forest of trees. They walked for a few minutes before coming to a large clearing surrounded by trees. In the center of this clearing stood two small buildings built of wood. Between the two buildings was a large structure made of a metallic substance. The structure seemed oddly out of place surrounded by all the trees.  
  
"Wow." Carson looked up at the building in awe.  
  
"This way." They walked towards a large, rectangular, shimmering-blue panel.  
  
The panel, detecting their presence, seemed to melt upward to form an entrance.  
  
The inside of the structure was very spacious. In the center was a large console-like device. It looked like a DJ's disco center.  
  
As Carson walked closer to it John spoke. "McKay thinks it's some sort of replicator."  
  
McKay looked to him. "I never said that. Do you even know what a Replicator is?"  
  
"Sure. It's one of those things that you tell to make food and the food appears on a platform, instantly."  
  
"Maybe in T.V. land," Rodney said sarcastically. "But in reality, a Replicator is a large blue mechanical bug that eats anything it comes into contact with in order to make more of itself."  
  
"Fine. Whatever."  
  
Rodney turned to Carson and walked up to the console. "I think it's a materializing machine of some sort. It will create anything you tell it to. And it can be something the machine's never encountered before too. All you have to do is think how to build it, and it does it."  
  
"Really," Carson said, trying to keep his mind blank.  
  
"Don't worry." John said walking over to them. "We don't want you to try it out." Carson relaxed a little. "That's what we're taking it to Atlantis for." Carson started to tremble ever so slightly.  
  
"To Atlantis?"  
  
"Yeah." Rodney answered. "Apparently, the villagers near this place fear it, because none of them can use it. It only works if you have the ATA gene, see, which none of them do. So in exchange for medical assisstance, and some technological assisstance, they've agreed to give it to us."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"What we need you to do is help some of the sick villagers."  
  
"O.k."  
  
John and Rodney led Carson inside one of the two buildings. There were about five people inside, surrounding a sixth, who layed on the ground, breathing heavily.  
  
"What's wrong with her?" Carson asked the nearest person about the girl on the ground.  
  
The person just shook their head.  
  
"They don't know." Rodney answered him.  
  
Carson bent down to examine the girl. Her hands were swollen and she was having difficulty breathing. "You're going to be alright," he assured her.  
  
He turned to one of the female villagers. "What's been happening to her? Has she been throwing up?"  
  
She nodded her head. "Yes, and she said her stomach felt as if it were being hollowed out from the inside."  
  
"Anything else?"  
  
"She said that she couldn't feel her feet or her hands. Is my daughter going to be better?"  
  
"Where has she been in the last 48 hour, two days?" He took the girl's pulse.  
  
The mother turned to a male villager. "Where was she when you found her?"  
  
"By the lake of liquid metal," he answered.  
  
Carson turned his attention towards the male. "Liquid metal?"  
  
"Yes," the male answered.  
  
"Did she drink any of it?" Carson's voice had a tone of urgency in it.  
  
"I do not know."  
  
"Do you know what is wrong with her?" the mother asked.  
  
"She might have Mercury poisoning."  
  
"Poison?" Some of the villagers gasped.  
  
"What's her name?"  
  
"Pylea."  
  
Carson looked back to the girl. "Pylea, can you see me?"  
  
"Yes," the girl answered in a barely audible tone.  
  
"Good, that means it's not that severe." Carson turned to Rodney. "That machine, you said it can create anything?"  
  
"Yeah." Rodney answered uncertainly. "Why?"  
  
"In order to treat Mercury poisoning you need a drug called penicillamine. I don't happen to have any back at the lab, and it could take days to synthesize some. I was hoping to use the machine to create some quicker."  
  
"Oh. Yeah it can do that."  
  
"You can save her," the mother asked uncertainly.  
  
"If it hasn't accumulated too much."  
  
Carson and Rodney walked towards the machine.  
  
"Are you sure it works, the way it's supposed to?" Carson asked.  
  
"Of course," Rodney answered. "Just tell it what you want."  
  
Carson stepped up to the device. "I want 10 cc's of penicillamine."  
  
Three light on the machine began to flash and a mechanical humming could be heard. Then it was quiet.  
  
"It's done," Rodney told Carson.  
  
"It is?"  
  
"Yeah. See." Rodney pointed to a metallic platform. Instantly a syringe filled with liquid appeared.  
  
"Oh, ok." Carson grabbed the syringe and walked back to the girl. Rodney stayed behind to help Aiden and Teyla lift the machine.  
  
"Got it." Carson knelt back down beside the girl and injected the strange liquid into the her arm.  
  
"What are you doing?"  
  
"I'm countering the effects of the Mercury. This drug will also help her pass it faster."  
  
"Thank you." The mother grabbed Carson and hugged him.  
  
"My pleasure." [Alter ego comment: 'if the girl had mercury poisoning why the &$#% did you waste time having the characters go first to the strange machine and then to the girl? That was so stupid.' My comment: 'because how would Carson have known to use the machine to get the medicine he needed to help the girl, if he hadn't been shown the machine in the first place.' Alter ego: 'it was still a stupid idea.' Me: 'only to you]  
  
_Back in the jumper:_  
  
Suprisingly the machine fit into the puddle jumper with room to spare. [alter ego comment: 'Well duh. Of course it would have to fit, otherwise that's the end of the stupid episode.']  
  
"Well at least that's the end of our food shortage." Rodney smiled.  
  
"Jeez, McKay," John said, "is food all you think about."  
  
Aiden snorted a laugh.  
  
"Cheerleaders and science stuff, too," McKay answered.  
  
"What is a cheerleader?" Teyla asked.  
  
"A cheerleader is a person who instead of playing the sport, gets the spectators to cheer for their teams," Rodney explained.  
  
"Ah." Teyla nodded. "Are there cheerleaders in hockey?"  
  
Both John and Aiden laughed a little.  
  
"No. Hockey's too cold for the cheerleaders."  
  
"Ah."  
  
A strange energy cloud suddenly ensnared our puddle jumper just one hundred feet from the gate. It looked ethereal to the human eyes, but the p. jumper's scanners were detecting a solid barrier all around them.  
  
"Why aren't we moving?" John asked, frustrated.  
  
"You're the pilot," Rodney retorted as he checked the puddle jumper's 'wiring'. [Alter ego: 'wait the puddle jumpers don't have…' Me: 'shut up before I hurt you.']  
  
"Yeah, and it's not listening to me."  
  
"There's nothing wrong with any of the systems. It must be external." At that moment a strange squeezing sound could be heard around the hull.  
  
"What was that?" Teyla asked.  
  
"That's usually the sound one hears if the vehicle they're in is getting crushed," Rondey said with annoyed anger.  
  
"It must be the cloud we're in," Aiden said.  
  
"Why thank you, Mr. Spock." Rodney's comment oozed with sarcasm.  
  
The entire jumper vibrated as a deep voice spoke. 'Choose your destroyer.'  
  
"Destroyer, whoa," John said. "Nobody think of anything. If we don't think we can't choose."  
  
Carson tried as hard as he could to not think, _nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing..._ Unfortunatly it didn't work for very long.  
  
'The destroyer has been chosen,' the deep voice spoke again.  
  
"What?" John yelled. "No it hasn't. I didn't think of anything." He turned to Aiden. "Did you think of anything."  
  
Aiden shook his head.  
  
"Did you?" John looked to Rodney.  
  
"Not me."  
  
"Nor me," Teyla answered.  
  
John looked to Carson, who was avoiding his gaze. "Carson," he said slowly, "what did you do?"  
  
"I couldn't help it."  
  
"What couldn't you help?"  
  
"It just popped in."  
  
"What just popped in?"  
  
"I was thinking of how I used to go camping, and we'd always toast marshmallows."  
  
Everyone in the jumper looked out the window as the strange energy cloud morphed into the Stay-Puff Marshmallow Man.  
  
"Oh, great," Rodney said, "I always wanted to be destroyed by a giant marshamallow."  
  
"How do we destroy it?" John asked.  
  
"We cross streams," Aiden answered.  
  
"Cross what streams?" Rodney asked.  
  
"The driver pods."  
  
"Are you kidding me," Rodney protested, "we could all be killed."  
  
"You said to never cross streams," John said.  
  
"There's a very slim chance we'd survive." Aiden explained his reasoning.  
  
"Slim." John thought about it for a moment. "Well, then let's do it."  
  
Rodney rolled his eyes, and opened a ceiling panel of the jumper. "I can't believe I'm doing this. It's all your fault Carson."  
  
"Mine?"  
  
"Carson."  
  
"Yes."  
  
"CARSON!!!!!!!!" someone yelled loudly in his ear.  
  
Carson lifted his head off the table, and looked around. He was in Atlantis, sitting with a group of people watching the ending of a movie. He must have fallen asleep, that was the only explaination.  
  
"Are you okay?" Aiden asked him.  
  
"Yeah," he answered.  
  
"You slept almost through the entire movie."  
  
"Oh, I did." Carson couldn't remember what movie they were watching.  
  
"You know that Athosian girl you treated last week for her fever?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Well she made you a little gift during the movie."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Yeah." Aiden brought his hand out from under the table. In his hand was a miniature Stay-Puff Marshmallow Man, made of real marshmallows.  
  
"Aaaahh," Carson tipped over in his chair and fell on the floor.  
  
A/N3:  
For any of you who think I'm psychotic. I'm not. I just like to sometimes write comments in-between the flow of my story. Usually, the 'alter-ego' is just me, spotting what's wrong with the story. Oh, and, the reason i have Carson first treating the girl and then getting in trouble with the Marshmallow man, is because he's a doctor, and doctor's sometimes have dreams that they save people's lives. Tell me what you think in your reviews. 


End file.
